A four letter word

That's what some people call it. I must exclude myself from that group because I love (see, there it is!) the word love. If anything, I fall into a category of people that over use this four letter word. But you know what? It's okay.

I like to think that I've been doing pretty decent when it comes to the department of life. I have a great family, I'm in college, and I have a girlfriend to whom I say, "I love you." My mom jokingly asked me tonight about how it feels to be young and in love. She said she wanted to know because it's been so long since her and dad (he was standing right there) have been young. I laughed but then told my mom that I didn't really know because it changes all the time. She was surprised to hear me say that I didn't even know if I'd always love Sarah. She said that if she was Sarah, she'd have a little talk with me. My mom's a great women and she definitely knew what I meant. But that's the reaction I've got from a lot of people who ask me similar questions. You can quote me on this: I don't have any clue what "true" love is, but to the best of my knowledge and experience I love Sarah. Could that change? You betcha'.

I can just hear a painful "Ooo," being let out as you read that last sentence. And that's just what I'm talking about. Let me finish first. Sarah is not my first girlfriend. Heck, and not to be fat-headed about it, I don't even know how many girls I've gone out with. I do know that, thus far, there have been at least three that have heard me say, in direct reference to them and to our relationship, "I love you." Another "Ooo," issues forth. It's true. And to each one of them I was true. That phrase and the word "love" in it is, for me, a constantly evolving word. One that changes given the girl, my age, how long I've known her, and, oh let's just throw in the weather at the time. Sound ridiculous? Well it's not. For my evolving definition of the four letter word in question, I can rely on only what sensory input I have been exposed to, processed and analyzed, and spit out in rough form as this long-winded, web published definition (click here to read Merriam-Webster's online definition of love and observe that there is more than one). To each one of those girls/women, I stand by every time I said "I love you" to them. But that can change. Love can change.

With one girl, it did. Sitting in an upholstered chair that was given unto me by my parents because it was too shabby to be displayed in the Freitas family or living room, I did whatever on my computer. I stopped for an instant, perhaps for a tech break, swiveled in the chair away from the glow of my monitor, then swiveled back. In that rotation of the chair my head carried my eyes' focus from the opposite wall back to the screen. And in that every day, often overlooked blur created by the swift movement of my eyes to a new target, I lost something. That something happened to be my love for her. Now, I could go into detail on what I think were the events that ultimately lead up to this moment but I won't. Let's just stay in that moment and understand that it was gone. I thought about it right then, after that blur, and realized that in my heart existed no more feelings of romantic love for this girl. Did I love her before then? Yes. For 18 months I did. But not any more. I decided that any act that I would normally have committed out of [what I thought was] love for her would immediately thereafter be a lie.

This was a really harsh situation that, were it not for my conscience, I would've loved to avoid. But I couldn't because my definition of love changed miraculously. This is not cause for worry though. I like to think that I can predict such events before they happen. Hey, that was my first time. I've also been in situations where my love for someone lingered on well after the fact. Whatever the situation, there is no way I can say the love I felt for a girl that started somewhere in the latter half of my sophomore year of high school is anywhere near the same love I feel now for Sarah.

Go figure, but I can explain my belief in this matter. My tuition dollars at work, if you will. I take you now to good ol' Philosophy class, 101. In it we learned "I think therefore I am," and diddle like that. We also learned about divisions between an internal and subjective world that exists in one's mind and an external, objective world that exists outside of the mind and, in fact, outside of our world of being. For the word "love" to carry with it a definition that exists outside of our minds and in a rare and true form, to me, is absurd. Love obviously means different things. Go ahead, define it. See? You don't think of it in exactly the same way as I do and that's great! In case you didn't try that exercise, lemme spoon feed you: The love felt for a family member is different from the love felt for a friend, significant other, an item of food, a shiny new car, or a fluffy pet. So why then, inside of each of those categories, shouldn't love be able to hold many variants? I mean, if I loved Sarah like I loved my mom then I may as well be kissing my sister (not really Toni)! If love was the same everywhere in every case, then what's the point of it?

Well, the point is that I think I know what the word "love" means—for the time being. If I stay with Sarah the rest of my life so be it. If one of us meets someone else that's better than the other so be it. If a huge rock rains down on us from space so be it. That won't make love a constant. That won't make love.

Comments (1) | To Top

5/8/2006 @ 8:01pm

Howdy ya'll!! That four letter word has a lot of meaning to it, and there's is certain ways to use it and different ways ya mean it. Well, your family of course, cause if it wasn't for them then ya probaly wouldn' t know what that four letter word meant. But then there your best friend. or buddy, or pen pal what ever ya'll call them these days, but in ways yeah ya do LOVE them. But then it all comes down too " THE ONE YA CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THAT IT'S YOUR SOULMATE, OR LOVER, WHAT ALL YOUR HEART IS STILL PUMPING FOR". Well, honey when ya find the right one then ya will know. But, please don't use the word as a toy but use it for the meaning and really mean it when ya tell them ya LOVE them.

by tiffany